woman happy

Chapter 12 : A Cross To Bear

I don’t know how I feel right now.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I’m happy, excited, yet numb and confused.  I know that I am happy, I’ve had some great news, but I have always thought that this would have me jumping for joy, yet I feel calm and a bit the same as yesterday.  The reasons could be one of many; it could be because I am on anti-depressants that are suppressing my ability not only to feel sad and tearful, but also suppressing feelings of joy.  Am I sorry about that?  Would I consider not taking them so that I could experience joy? No is the simple answer.  After so many years of suffering from depression, I am well aware that this is purely hormonal.  I understand that my issue is a physical inability to produce ‘happy hormones’, so in not taking the treatment, every day is difficult, sad, empty of joy, devoid of most emotions, but the ones I do feel aren’t pleasant.  I am lucky enough to have had enough experiences in my life that have made me happy.  Sometimes my happiness has been boundless, and the experiences have been experienced with friends and families and also alone.  I am a great fan of my own company.  I find my humor amusing, and frequently talk to myself when alone causing myself to smile and sometimes really laugh out loud.  It is the memory of these feelings that allow me to accept that my depression is not a natural state for me, and that when the black cloud descends, I have to buckle up for the storm, take the medicine with the knowledge that this is a temporary state of mind, and the quicker the medication works, the sooner I can stop it, and the sooner I will laugh again.  Not laughing doesn’t mean that I’m not happy though.  I still understand when good things happen, and I still appreciate the good around me, it just doesn’t seem to translate to my face and hormones, which is why I and other people get a little confused by my seemingly nonchalant behavior in certain circumstances.  Another reason for my rather flat happy emotion could be that the news hasn’t quite sunk in yet.  I won’t know if this is the case for a little while though, so watch this space…

Today is the day I have dreamt about for many years.  It wasn’t quite the slam dunk I wanted, but it is good enough.  Today Twat Face was arrested.  The lovely policeman that has been dealing with this matter for me over the last few weeks came to see us this afternoon to update us on the state of the case.

He was arrested at 11.30am, and they finished with him at 16.15pm.  That’s quite a long day for a sick old man, and surely very uncomfortable to be sat for such a long time with his physical injuries.  I feel a little guilty for not feeling bad about that, but I will get used to it I think.  He admitted to one charge (the lesser of all charges), but denied that there was more than one.  I don’t really care about that, I am just happy that he has admitted to one.  After so many years, that is a better result than I could have hoped for.  I feel like I should be skipping up the street and drinking champagne, but being happy on the inside feels enough for now.  He was  bailed for 6 months whilst the CPS (Criminal Prosecution Service) assess the case, decide if they will prosecute.  Again, I don’t really care.  He can be charged with one case of child sexual abuse or five, it isn’t exactly the sort of crime that people would say, ‘phew, at least he only did it to her once!!’   I have already been told that he is unlikely to face a jail sentence, again I don’t care.  This for me is not about revenge, it is about closure.  I want to move on, and I want him to accept what he did.  Living in our small community with this tarnishing his reputation is enough for me really.  Losing his responsibility and respect within the church, these will all hurt more than a jail sentence.  His tough journey is just beginning, and my new life is about to begin.  I do feel I should wait until I have some feelings back first though as it is tough to make any decisions whilst everything is just so-so.  Due to his admission, I believe that he will have to go on the Child Sex Offenders Register, and going on for one offense, or ten is quite inconsequential to me.  I just hope that the CPS don’t let me down.

All the times that I’ve said that ‘I don’t care’ doesn’t mean that I actually don’t care at all, it just means that in the bigger scheme of things, these small things are not important, and I won’t let them consume me.  I am happy with the victory.  He admitted that he did something wrong.  He admitted that he was a pedophile – despite not admitting it to himself.  Blaming an eleven year old girl proves to me that he doesn’t believe what he did was wrong.  All the things that he has said to me over the years, the apologies, the fact that I was his cross to bear, he actually said that to me.  Outside the church when I confronted him and told him that I had told my parents everything, he had the cheek to say to me that he was hurting, and that every time he saw me, I was his cross that he had to bear.  I couldn’t believe he had the cheek to say that.… it was all a load of crap really.  I take a little joy from this fact though, for as long as he feels like this, the treatment from others, the loss of his community and church support will hurt even more, and that will be his cross to bear.  He will now truly know the weight of a cross as I proudly pass mine on to him.