Around the village, more and more people are being told about what has happened. My mum is so upset, and also angry that he doesn’t know how many people know. As a result, despite 80% of the street knowing, they still act like everything is normal, and go about their lives, albeit they do look a lot more stressed these days.
After all this time, his wife still hasn’t confided in her sister. Peggy, the sister, is really hurt and doesn’t understand why, as she would like to be there for her. Peggy won’t bring it up due to her sister’s health issues. Her blood pressure is extremely high, and she worries that should she mention what has happened and tell them that people know, that the stress would hurt her. I totally understand why she doesn’t want her sister’s health decline on her conscience; I’ve felt the same way for a long time. It doesn’t look like they have told their daughters either. They have two daughters, both in their late forties or early fifties. This week, one of them has lost their dog, and the whole family is devastated and trying to help her through this time of grief!!!!! Is it just me that thinks that they have lost their minds?? Do they think that by ignoring it they can just carry on like it never happened, and it may go away? Well apparently they think exactly that!
As they have been told to stay away from my family by the police, and also we are to stay away from them, they now stay away from the local church on a Sunday. My mum doesn’t miss a Sunday service, and it has brought her great comfort over the years during trying times. Twat face seemingly does have a little decency, and stays away on a Sunday, and instead goes to the Wednesday service, where there is no chance that they will run in to either of us. This week, I received a call from a neighbour telling me that he had collapsed in church and the paramedics had been called to take him to hospital unconscious. We had no further update at that point, so didn’t know the reason, cause, or long term prognosis, or even if he would survive. I told the family the information that I had. My father was quiet, he didn’t say much. My brother on the other hand did a little cheer. Bless his heart; he thought that if he was gone, that would be it, over. I understand the logic, and also wish that it was that simple. Despite our confused feelings, we knew we had to explain to him that the reaction he showed, as much as we understood it, wasn’t really the right way to be. This wasn’t just about him, there was a family involved, children, he couldn’t cheer about it, not in public anyway. My mum was of the same opinion as me, she didn’t say too much, but showed concern for her friend Peggy who happened to be his sister-in-law, and the rest of the family.
My feelings on the inside were slightly more confused. I wasn’t really sure how I felt to be honest. There was a small part of me that felt guilty that the stress of the situation had caused this. This was a ball that I had decided to start rolling, and if this was the consequence, would his family blame me for bringing it up? I also felt angry. Why in the church? Now anyone who didn’t know what he had done was showing so much sympathy for him, sympathy that he didn’t deserve in my opinion as he had yet to face up to his actions. If he was suddenly too ill to face trial, he would have cheated me out of my justice. This thought crossed my mind a lot throughout the day, and this made me anxious, angry and confused. At the moment, I don’t seem to have the mental capacity to deal with emotional confusion, it causes anxiety, and it manifests as a physical feeling that turns to exhaustion. I feel like I could sleep for ever, but I still need help dropping off. Even that makes no sense to me.
The following day we had an update. He was home, and it wasn’t his heart. I have mentioned previously that he has a serious neck injury. I don’t know all the details, but my understanding is that the nerves in his neck are squashed, and his head is held up by only half of his neck. Any knock or bang could render him paralysed, or worse, kill him. He doesn’t wear a collar as this would hinder his ability to maintain muscle strength in what little he has, but he can’t turn his head and has to be extremely tentative with his steps. On this occasion, it seems that he wasn’t quite tentative enough, and had tripped whilst doing a ‘good deed’ in church, and attempting to be helpful. As he had fallen, his neck had jarred and the nerves had become trapped, blood supply had also been cut off, causing him to black out. Due to the average age of the parishioners being around 80, no one could pick him up from his falling place, so the paramedics were called, where he was taken to hospital to be checked. Due to bed shortage, and the fact that his heart was fine, it was a trip for Gods’ sake, no drama; they brought him home, carried him in, and told him to stay totally flat for a while. I have no idea how long they have suggested as there has been no further update yet, but the family is certainly concerned about how his wife can care for him bed ridden, when she herself has ill health, high blood pressure, and is also eighty years old.
If there is such a thing as Karma, this could be his. The fact that he can still face trial; he isn’t at risk of a heart attack, he isn’t dead, and his mental faculties are still all there gives me a feeling of relief that is palpable, yet makes me worry that this relief will lead to my own bad Karma, after all, are we not supposed to forgive, and not wish harm to others? Is it harmful to wish that he can make it through a trial? I would say no, but the outcome is certain to be bad for him and his family, so maybe it is a little bad… There is nothing simple in this whole process, and leaving it in the hands of fate seems to be my only option. Relinquishing control of the situation is a little hard, but I will trust that ‘what will be, will be’, and I shall end up where I need to end up.
I’m missing Spain a little, I miss the heat, I miss the quiet, but leaving home will be harder this time than it was the first and that isn’t something I was prepared for.
That is a bridge for another day.