Chapter 21 : Procrastination

Of all the things in the entire world that I could be good at, why does it have to be procrastination?

It hasn’t always been this way, I have been totally organised at certain points in my life.  When I work, I work well.  I am organised beyond normal necessities, I keep notes about my notes, and lists of the like you have never seen before.  I still make lists, and I have even been known to make lists of the lists that I need to make, i.e. shopping list, paperwork list, cleaning schedule, daily chores etc.. You get the picture.

The less I do, the less I want to do, the less I want to do, the less I do.  I feel like my brain is slowly stopping, and I can’t do anything about it.  When depression comes, every time, there is a steady decline in the ability to conceive of doing anything that requires physical or mental assertion.

Each day, everything seems to be so difficult.  My mum tries to engage me, to encourage me to take part in some small activity; a walk around the street, a trip to the shop, anything, but my heart sinks.  I really don’t have the energy, I feel exhausted, but then I also feel guilt.  I have started to feel that I am becoming tiresome, that patience is wearing thin.  My mum seems especially emotional, and I know that she is worried about my wellbeing.

I am ok, as in that I have no intention of doing anything that would harm myself, but I just want to hide away, just for a while, just to have time to process everything that is going on.   I should be happy, but I am in limbo.

My procrastination is the reason that there has been such a gap in my stories.  I didn’t go anywhere, I thought all the time about how I really should write something.  I made a commitment to write my story.  This commitment was to my family, my friends and me.  I can live with letting myself down, but not everyone else, so that was the motivation that I needed to finally sit back at my keyboard and continue with my story.

Thank you for your patience. Everyone.

“Loving someone with depression and anxiety.

Only a depressed individual understands how hard it is to hide their feelings and thoughts from others to avoid being shamed. One characteristic of a person dealing with depression is that they are keenly aware of themselves, their thoughts, their feelings and the behaviour of others towards them. The weight that depression can bring upon a person is enough to bury them for a day – the burying of those around them is not on the to-do list.

Unfortunately, individuals fighting depression may push to be alone because they do not want to impact anyone negatively. Although this may not always be the case, depressed loved ones desire to manage their depression successfully and not allow it to touch anyone ever so slightly. This can be a paradoxical situation because being alone can actually exacerbate the symptoms of depression.

Depression can make someone feel as if they’re a burden to the world, especially to those around them. They are not seeking attention, nor want any coddling or rose-colored glasses handed to them. It is a valuable insight to recognize that managing their depression effectively is the most important goal of a depressed individual, not causing anyone any burdens or pain. If they do happen to hurt you or offend you, remember that they are not the enemy – their depression is the true enemy. Tell your depressed loved one that you accept them fully, unconditionally, and remind them of any and all positive traits you love about them.”

I will share more of these pieces of information over the coming weeks.