Chapter 22 : In Limbo..

Depression anxiety

A couple of weeks ago, I received a call from the wonderful police man that has been working on my case.  He was with me when I gave my statement, he visited to tell me when the initial arrest had been made, and is the one that has continually given his support and updates.  The last one, I wish he hadn’t call with though.

The worry since the beginning of this journey was that the CPS would not deem my case as pursuable.  If that happened, then I would have no closure, I could possibly end up more broken that I already am, and I would have hurt my family for nothing.

The sympathy would have been there, the pitying looks from neighbors who would start to doubt that my story was true, maybe relief to some as they would feel vindicated to have doubted it in the first place.  It would be difficult for them to think that their judgement in their friend and neighbor had been so wrong.

So, back to the call… The lovely policeman has informed me that the CPS is going to charge him.  Five different counts ranging from; (forgive me, but I don’t remember the correct name for the charges) touching top, touching bottom, outside cloths, inside cloths, and something else, which I can’t remember due to a) brain is having a sabbatical these last few weeks, and b) even though they made sense when he explained them on the phone, I feel that those four things cover everything, so can’t think for the life of me what the fifth charge is.

Am I happy?  Of course I am!!  But, and there is always a but…  He told me early.  He said that the charges would be read to him when his bail was up, but there was a few lose ends to tie up, and he would try his best to do it sooner.  Meanwhile, would I not let it slip to him that they were going to charge him?  Ok, so there was a hug with my parents and my brother, but they all agreed that it would be best to not tell anyone yet, and do as the police requested.

This left me feeling extremely sensitive, not being able to shout it from the rooftops, the elation was stifled and suppressed and that has filled me with emotion that I don’t know what to do with.  What if something goes wrong?  What if they can’t get the final pieces of evidence that they require? What if??????? So, my anxiety is raising its head, my nerves are on edge, my body hurts, physically, I’m more exhausted than I remember being in a long time.  I can’t get to sleep, but when I do, I can’t wake up.  I want to stay in bed, in the quiet, knowing that if and when I can finally tell the world, the excitement will be gone, and I won’t be able to find a way to use the good news to counteract the bad feelings that have accumulated over the years.

Bail is up in 2 weeks.  At that point, he will be charged, re-bailed, or released.  How can I wait that long without breaking down or upsetting the ones that are caring for me?

People with anxiety are aware of everything going on around them. Every noise, every action, every smell, every light, every person, every object. For someone existing in such a hyper-alert state a situation that doesn’t seem that overwhelming (e.g. the thought of more than a handful of people talking in a room) can cause their head to spin.
When trying to encourage someone with anxiety to go somewhere, just keep in mind that the stimuli you enjoy can just as easily be overwhelming for them. Try not to lock them into the situation. Ensure they know they can leave and are capable of doing so at any point.

— Jake Mcspirit 

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