I have spent so much time just surviving, that I can’t remember the last time that I really lived. As the New Year came around, I woke up feeling a little optimistic. I had unusually had a good night sleep, I felt loved, cosy, comfortable, but mostly brave. Being such a procrastinator lately, I couldn’t risk the feeling passing, so I stepped out of my comfort zone, and made the first step towards my adventure.
I have a friend; I have been in contact with him for five years, but I have never actually met him face to face. I have had conversations relating to work, and followed his travels over the years on social media. He is a talented photographer, a habitual optimist, and his life seems to be a rolling adventure filled with beauty, travel, love and gratitude. On a whim, I sent him a message asking if he had any adventures on the horizon, and almost immediately, he contacted me back saying that ‘funnily enough, he was just looking at potentials as I wrote’! Was it fate, destiny or coincidence? Nope, none of the above. You see the chances of him planning an adventure are pretty high, as that is what most of his life is, and I just happened to pick one of many days of possibility.
We found a great deal that will take us to both Germany and Poland. My family have strong connections to both countries, so there is a personal element of excitement for me, not just due to the fact that I have finally had a moment of joy. We will do a tour of Auschwitz, which will no doubt be emotional, as it is for everyone. When you are related so closely to the horrors, it will bound to be extremely difficult, and I will tell you more about that in another story, but a part of me is excited that I may be able to just feel. Maybe the cloud is lifting, even if it is just for a while. Is it wrong to feel excited about feeling sad? I’m not sure, but people who have suffered with depression may understand what I mean when I talk about the inability to feel for a long time. The empty feeling, the heaviness due to not feeling anything is just as painful as ‘real’ pain.
Is this the first trip of my journey to recovery? I really hope so.
A week after booking, I am still excited about going. That has taken me by surprise a bit!! I have worries, not just about being away from home, or being with a stranger, but also the more physical side of things. I have a bad knee, and oh my god it gives me trouble. After walking for a while, it really plays up, and this can lead to me requiring a stick, or worse, total rest. I would worry so much about this if I was going with anyone else, but this is a man who loves travel, even when it is alone. He is happy with his own company, and this has taken away all my worry! So what if I can’t make a trip, or I need to rest due to my knee, or my chest, or my brain keeping to many tabs open. I just can, without any pressure that I may spoil his trip. He has no idea how wonderful that feels, or just how perfect a travel company he already is for me.
I leave in one week, and not only am I ready, I am relaxed, and I am already dreaming of about the possibility of the next one. Is it just fantasy? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am enjoying the feeling of possibility, and also the preoccupation from the impending case.
28th Feb… I want it over, but this could just be the start.