Chapter 3 : So It Begins…

And so it begins… Apparently, life begins at 40.  I’m running late by 2 years, but; do you know what? I am now bloody well ready!

I’m ready to find out who I am without being ‘defined’ by my secret that is about to come out and blow apart the world of the ones I’ve endeavored to protect, but I also feel responsible for the fallout that is inevitable.

Should I tell?

Reasons not to tell:

Everyone is happy and oblivious.  This news will change everything.  My family, his family, the church, the close knit village where I grew up…. However:

Reasons TO tell:

I have to let it out!!!  I can’t carry it any more.  I need my family, and I need closure, and the way that I can heal is by getting the closure, dealing with it, and then hopefully putting it behind me.

I am happy to share my plan; I’ll share each step with you.  I’ll tell you about my past, and will share the future with you, even though I don’t know what that holds.

I have chance to hit the reset button at 41.  I have no ties, no job, no income, no home, and no clue.  My only goal currently is to give myself a chance to see the real me, and do better than before at life.

This post is written whilst under the influence of a seemingly ineffective sleeping tablet, and a joint the size of a Christmas cracker, after starting the evening with a Valium.  As you can tell, I am a little highly strung at the moment.  I am sorry to anyone who knows me that has just gasped at my admission to smoking a doobie, but unfortunately, you will have to calm down, accept that I am 41,  and that seeing nothing else was working, it is preferable to help people sleep than more of the other chemicals that the doctor has given me.  i.e. 106,000 deaths last year due to FDA approved drugs, 0, yes ZERO deaths attributed to cannabis, so chill, it’s not as bad as you think.

I’m sat in cloths that I have worn for 4 days, but suddenly had an epiphany!!!  The truth, hard as it is to face is that I have had another breakdown.

I turned up at Penelope’s with a suit case, no home, no relationship (obviously both connected), no confidence – the ex-made sure I didn’t leave the house with any, and according to medical experts ‘unemployable for the simplest of tasks’.

I had her spare room, well it wasn’t really spare, they made it spare so that I could stay!  It was actually the living room, the room that her and her husband George would relax in during their evening, with no fear of waking the baby.  Yep, I’ve turned up on a couple of first time parents to Baby Boo, with another on the way.  Penelope also has pre-gestational diabetes and is extremely tired due to the bad control.  Not her fault – she has to sleep, but she still has to eat every 3 hours, and watch Baby Boo all day.

They gave me a bed and a door (their door) to quietness.  It was mine as long as I needed; they put no pressure on me to do anything at all despite her tiredness, they allowed me the time and space I need to heal.

I don’t currently have a direction for this story, much like my life.  I don’t know who would be interested either, but by writing my honest open thoughts is proving a big help.

Many lives I’ve lived, and any of them could have led to this moment, but this has been the perfect storm.

In the briefest of description, let me tell you about the last 5 years:

  • 3 x pneumonia
  • 4 x bronchitis
  • 1 x lost job
  • 2 x lost home
  • 1 x diagnosis of diabetes type 2
  • 1 x diagnosis of emphysema
  • 2.5 x lost boys

These are the most important people in my life that have had an impact on me in a profound way.  (These are the people that if I won the lottery would be top of my list of people to do something wonderful for):

  • My parents and brother – obviously
  • Jackie
  • Super Ex
  • Penelope & George
  • Poppy
  • Woody
  • Mr & Mrs Genius
  • Maz & Ma

Each of these have their own tale in my life – some are uplifting tales, and some are just downright disastrous, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.

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